So…Days 2-4 of the 21 Days of Prayer have been tough. One, because they ask some hard questions and Two because hard questions led to hard conversations at home that have taken more than a week for us to work thru and make peace. 😱
Ugh. I’m in a transitional season of life. And, I’m also facing recurring bouts of burnout from trying to “have it all” despite knowing the truth behind THAT lie for quite awhile. That’s why Day 1 of this journey is always so profound for me…it’s a reminder that I am not relinquishing control and letting God work in my life. I am the maker of my own frustration and distress. In order to let Him Work in my life…I have to get out of the way.
Day 2 is about Comparison. Y’all…it’s the biggest joy thief there is and it gets me every time. I think I’m doing well for awhile and then I fall back into that trap. I have to stop playing victim and be honest with myself- Am I setting a dream but not the conditions? And who is letting me down- other people or my own unrealistic, uncommunicated and therefore unmet expectations of myself and others? I’m not competing with other people for MY dreams…I’m competing with myself, my distractions, my expectations and plain ole Satan who wants me to live in this negative place. But y’all…
The thief does not come except to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may it more abundantly.
He has promised us ABUNDANCE. We have only to ask and trust and follow where He leads.❤️🙌
Day 3 is even tougher. It’s about believing we are uniquely made and that everything (all of it- good, bad, ugly) happens for a reason.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Here again, comparison creeps in…I struggle to find MY gifts and I wonder why I can’t just have hers or that maybe hers are better suited for what I want and that’s why I can’t get there. 🤦🏼♀️
To be honest, I’m still not sure what my gifts are but I started reading another book “Present over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist. She made a statement in an early chapter about how her deepest regrets were tied to being a slave to Efficiency…of missing the moments that matter because of having too much “yes” in her life. And she realized shortly after this epiphany that the parts of herself she had loved and that brought her joy when she were younger…were the very things being tamped down by her non-stop hustle to be and have it all. Maybe I can’t see my strengths right now because I’m clouding my own vision with all my lists and self-proclaimed failures and disappointments?
Drew ask me recently…during the biggest argument we’ve had to-date…What brings me joy? I know. Strange question for an argument. But…I felt attacked by the question. Who has time for joy? Don’t you see me over here on this hamster wheel grinding out the day to day and trying to run after my dreams? I also felt put on the spot because I couldn’t think of a single thing right now that I truly relish and savor in the moment. I’m a bystander in my own life. Whoa. Big ugly. 😭😳
And y’all…day 4 is about “catching a vision” 😳
When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild.
So…based on the past days completed…I guess it should come as no surprise that I am feeling overwhelmed, unmotivated and directionless 🤷♀️
About a year ago, I was at one of many breaking points and I went to church and during the worship music, I prayed God would give me some sign that everything would be ok. And then I saw it…
As clear I can see the words being typed in front of me now. I was sitting on a boulder atop a mountain between Drew’s knees with my head leaned back on his chest and my elbows resting on his legs. We were looking down into the valley and I could see the sun rising in all its brilliance just behind one of those “tree of life” style trees with all the branches winding around for a big ball atop the trunk. Anna was to my left in a sleeping bag…her blonde hair in a pony tail and her little pink lips parted as she breathed in and out…steady, peaceful, sleeping. Casey was to my right facing away from me in his sleeping bag. I could see us. I could feel us. The warmth, the breeze, the beautiful display of brilliant lights. The PEACE. And here’s the thing…I suspect Anna was about 7 in my vision. She’s 2 today and she was only 1 at the time.
That. THAT was my vision. And it’s what I go back to as my anchor in the storm. I’m holding on thru the hail, wind, thunder and lightning of right now because of that gift.
The interesting thing…that I’ve never processed before…that moment tells me nothing whatsoever about our home, my business, my to do list or anything else. I STILL feel like there are some things I need to do personally and professionally to set conditions for that dream but perhaps what I most need to remember is that what he chose to show me was more important than all the rest. And…maybe He showed me a moment 5-6 years down the road in order to illustrate that I need to be patient and practice some faith in His plan and timing.
So, I’m a little behind in completing this program. But, I’m learning a lot. It’s not easy. It’s not comfortable. It’s down right hard. And I’ve just walked thru a fire for the last week that I thought may never end. One thing is clear though…I’m so glad He’s still working on me and maybe…those unproductive days were spent just as they needed to be…in reflection and with my family. ❤️🙏🏼